Friday, September 5, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
Answering the challenge of Maria C Garcia Sardinas, here is my ice bucket challenge, which I am doing with iced tea - because I can.
I challenge Jeanette Battista, Sherri Browning Erwin, Amanda Ronconi and Matt Harper. You have 24 hours!
Please go to http://www.alsa.org/donate/ to help the ALS Association fund research to diagnose and treat ALS.
Once again, Jeanette Battista and Molly Harper devote our snarky attention to our favorite movies featuring Luke Evans and/or vampires in preparation for the release of DRACULA UNTOLD (Oct. 17). Today’s selection, THE IMMORTALS, is heavy on the Luke Evans, but not on the vampires. In fact, it’s only selling point is that Luke is basically running around in a gold mini-skirt diaper thing smoldering so hard, I felt sorry for his face muscles.
We open on what looks like an overdone piece of performance art in one of those galleries where you can’t sit on anything for fear that it’s an exhibit. A bunch of guys in weird gold fetish gear are trapped in a box, mouths clamped onto metal bars so they look like a life-size foosball table. The music is very dramatic and they are growling, so you can tell that it’s an evil foosball table.
Someone shoots an electric bow and arrow into the foosball table and something explodes. A pretty lady (Freda Pinto) springs up from the futon she shares with three other women (which cannot be comfortable sleeping arrangements). It seems that the foosball table sequence is a vision. The futon dwellers are a multicultural band of vestal virgins/seers and they see that Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) wants a magical bow to set the foosball table full of Titans free.
John Hurt tells a vague and inaccurate version of how Zeus and the Greek pantheon rose to power over the Titans, trapping them in the foosball table. Once again, I’m thrilled there are so many movies being based on Greek mythology, I just wish the producers/screenwriters would read some freaking myths before they start writing. As a lifelong student of Greek myth, this was like a root canal.
Hyperion is mad at the Gods for whatever makes Mickey Rourke mad, possibly that he is running out of the slightly ridiculous decorative masks his character has worn in success since the credits started. He plans to use the bow and the Titans to overthrow the Gods and rule the world. Because of reasons.
Meanwhile, shirtless Theseus (Henry Cavill) is chopping wood.
Just take time to appreciate the moment.
And apparently, his mom, worships a super-sized head statue filled with candles. Clearly, this movie’s art director is a frustrated sculptor with neo-classic weirdo leanings.
Joseph Morgan disappoints his VAMPIRE DIARIES fans by playing someone super-shady, but not in the charming Klaus fashion. Seriously, I don’t really understand who he is and why he’s doing what he’s doing, I just know it makes Henry Cavill sad. And to further disturb the Klaroline shippers, Hyperion stomps on his crotch for his treachery.
Ouch. Effective. But ouch.
Hyperion is being an a-hole again. Theseus whips off his cape to reveal his super-well-defined muscles and capri pants and messes the enemy army up something fierce. It’s hard to look badass in capri pants. And then Roarke kills his mom. Hero’s wound, INSTALLED!
John Hurt is revealed not to be any ordinary old man, but Zeus! King of the Gods! Man of the hour! Luke Evans in a gold diaper/mini-skirt thing.
You read that right. Luke Evans. Gold diaper. The whole pantheon is covered in gold as far as the eye can see! It’s like a Versace ad and Joseph Campbell’s The Power of Myth had an oil-spritzed, photogenic baby.
Zeus heads up this super-hot Justice League of gods, including TWILIGHT’s Kellan Lutz as Poseidon (also in a gold diaper) and TEEN WOLF’S Daniel Sharman as Ares (that’s right, gold diaper). The group also includes Heracles, which, not to be a know-it-all here, but Heracles was not a god. He was a demigod hero. Too many hot actors, not enough Greek gods, I guess.
Adding to my frustration is that you can’t really tell which actor is which god or goddess. Poseidon has a trident and a weird wire head sculpture that sort of looks nautilus-shaped, but that’s our only clue. So I had to keep looking at imdb to figure out who was who. Also, Daniel Sharman’s insane Mohawk headgear was particularly distracting.
Zeus forbids his kids from intervening in any way with Hyperion’s dickery unless the Titans are let loose from the evil foosball table. Because of rules. And anybody who disobeys his edict will be killed. I would argue that’s difficult considering, you know, the title of the movie is IMMORTALS. But what do I know?
Freida Pinto’s Phaedra and her sisters happen on Theseus outside of salt mine. And when she brushes up against him, she sees all kinds of visions about his potential. I would probably do the same thing if I ever brushed up against Henry Cavill. But I would never ever tell people what I saw. Stephen Dorff gives his best 90s idol flirt, but doesn’t seem to realize how outmatched he is.
More bad shit happens. Theseus, Phaedra and Stephen Dorff escape. Phaedra doesn’t seem all that upset that the women she shared her futon with are missing.
Oh, good God, I’m only 40 minutes into this movie.
I’ll spare you the details, but Theseus gets the magic twinkling bow. He broods. Phaedra binds his wounds with bandages and easily predicted sex.
Hyperion and his weird crab/hyena hat attack the wall that protects the magic mountain housing the evil foosball table. Poor Joseph Morgan suffers indignity after indignity. Phaedra’s sisters are stuck in brazen bulls.
Meanwhile, Ares and Athena intervene to save Theseus and Zeus pitches a big hissy fit over it. He kills Ares with a whip made of fire (Dramatic much?) and yells at Theseus for things that aren’t his fault. Noticeably, Athena is left out of this punishment, which makes me think she’s Zeus’s favorite.
Hyperion continues being super-weird. The politicians behind the giant wall try to negotiate with him, which goes very badly. Very, very badly.
Swordfight, swordfight, swordfight.
Theseus gives the Greek version of the Braveheart speech.
Let me just say that when fighting a well-armed army, it’s always a good idea to do it in a long, narrow, dark tunnel.
Also, I question the historical accuracy of the enormous dam that protects the magic mountain… and Stephen McHattie’s super-sparkly cape.
Theseus kills a bunch of people. Stephen Dorff wishes he’d quit smoking a long time before filming as he struggles to keep up.
Hyperion finds the evil foosball table in what looks like Joel Schumacher’s basement. He sets the Titans free, which means the gloves are off and the Gods can step in. Meanwhile, Theseus has gone deaf and Stephen Dorff has multiple compound fractures.
No, wait. Dorff is dead. Because the Titans are basically human-shaped jackals.
Zeus sends Theseus after Hyperion while he and the Gods take on the Titans with all of the ninja turtle weapons. Several of the Gods are killed. Not to be judge-y, but this is where having Ares, the god of WAR, would have been helpful, Zeus. Just sayin.
Theseus and Hyperion fight in the scary, violent manner only Mickey Rourke can manage.
Athena is killed and, again, is the only one Zeus liked, because he only stops to mourn her. He climbs on top of the evil foosball table and does some crazy bicep curl to destroy the mountain over Titans’ cage. Hyperion gloats long enough over Theseus for him to kill Hyperion. Classic mistake.
Zeus zips back up to Olympus with Poseidon, the last of the Gods to survive. The mountain collapses on the remaining Titans, just as Theseus is similarly zapped up to the heavens.
Years later, John Hurt is seen tutoring a boy who looks an awful lot like Theseus and Phaedra. He touches Theseus’s tomb (which is covered with disturbing and historically questionable scenes of naked Hyperion and Theseus wrestling) and sees a huge war going on in the sky between the Gods and yet more Titans. Theseus is there, helping out Zeus and the other Gods. It’s actually a neat image, but much like the rest of this movie, it’s so busy and over-detailed that I can’t understand much of it.
Not enough Luke Evans in this movie. And definitely not enough vampires.