Friday, September 13, 2013
How to Survive Friday the 13th
As it is Friday the 13th once again, I thought I would share more of my patented scary "killer in the woods" movie survival tips.
-DON'T go camping. In fact, avoid all activities that involve the woods, trees, or isolated locations, full stop.
-DO spend your weekend in the middle of a fully-lit town square packed with other people.
-If you encounter a creepy looking local, DON'T taunt them, disrespect their culture or hit them with your car and drive away.
-DO greet them cheerfully and sincerely and compliment them on the sacrificial altar made of human bones erected in front of their gas station.
-DON'T go to the bathroom. You can hold it.
-DO take a weapon with you, no matter where you're headed. This includes the kitchen, the broom closet, and the shower. Especially the shower.
-DON'T have sex. Seriously, avoid naked, vulnerable activities at all costs. Claim a headache or carpal tunnel if you have to.
-DO work out your sexual frustrations through sparring or target practice.
-DON'T stock your car with useless items. Leave the beer bong, sleeping bags, clothes and marshmallows at home.
-DO bring useful items like medical supplies, extra crossbow bolts, Tasers and flamethrower fuel.